Dear Papa,
This year marks the 10th year that I’ve been blessed to call myself a mother, and I owe it all to you. Being a mother, your mother has been my greatest accomplishment.
It feels like yesterday the doctors cut you out of my stomach and said, “Here he is.” I remember looking at you exhaustedly and thinking, “That ain’t my baby” (as if they didn’t just cut me open in front of me and take you out). I’m sorry this caused a delay in my holding you; SHAME ON ME!
Honestly, you were just the cutest looking thing – light-skinned, full eyes, straight hair, perfectly shaped eyebrows, and lips. I wondered how something so beautiful could come from me (especially since I was the opposite as a baby – dark-skinned with a fro’).
Until this day, I think the universe was trying to lighten up my life by giving me a boy whose features were often mistaken for a girl. One, because I so desperately wanted a girl, and two, because I actually “needed” to know that my father wouldn’t be the only man in my life to love me unconditionally. You let me know this every day.
Without knowing it, you’ve been, for lack of better words, my best “coping strategy.” I couldn’t have made it over the years without you. You knew when I needed you most when you were in my womb. When I was going through my depressive episodes, a sudden kick would remind me that you were there. Then when you were a newborn, it was your coos, your babbles when you were an infant, your hugs when you were a toddler, your kisses when you were a preschooler, and now it is your words of affirmation.
It’s when we take turns saying the lines in our famous bedtime quote,
“I love you, I love you more, I love you mostest, I love you more than the whole entire world, I love you more than the whole entire world and the planet, I love you more than the whole entire, whole entire world, we love each other…the same”.
I thought you would grow tired of this, but you aren’t nine years later (you couldn’t say all these words the first year).
The hard part of acknowledging that you are my best coping strategy and saying it out loud (or putting it on screen, I should say) is that I know that’s not your job. I’m supposed to be that for you. I only hope that I am. I hope that I am everything you are for me and more.
Continue to shine bright, and know you make your mom proud daily. There is nothing in this world that I would not do for you; I owe you my life!
Love you papa and thank you,
Mom
