4 Reasons to Embrace Self-Play: Black Women Living Fulfilling Sexual Lives

Self-play was briefly touched on in the blog, “Single? 5 New & Easy Ways to be G.U.C.C.I. With It!” specifically as it relates to the first “C” in “G.U.C.C.I.” – “console that body sis!”. So, if you still need to read that blog, be sure to do so!


As a Black woman, I know that discussions around sex and self-play can be taboo and uncomfortable, especially self-play. It wasn’t until recently that I felt comfortable pleasing myself. My comfort changed after having open conversations with my partner about it and him saying, “nothin nuh wrong wid it.” Why I needed a man’s approval is beyond me! Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always been pro-sex, but self-play was a different story.

I remember trying in the past and saying to myself, “Am I really this desperate?” My thoughts on sexual pleasure were always connected to someone else. So if I was not in a relationship, sexual pleasure would be on the back burner. Can you relate? *Comment below. What I realize now is that sexual pleasure is a personal experience and can be enjoyed on one’s own terms. So I write this blog hoping to break down these taboos.

Self-play, self-pleasure, or masturbation, whatever you choose to call it, can be considered a natural and healthy way to explore our bodies and sexuality. Despite this, a stigma is still attached to self-play, particularly for women. We’re often taught that it’s not “ladylike” or something to be ashamed of. To add salt to injury, society often perpetuates harmful stereotypes about Black women and our sexuality. We’re often portrayed as hypersexual or promiscuous, making it difficult to explore our sexuality without judgment.

Believe it or not, shame related to self-play is taught to us from a very young age. I’ve had many conversations with parents over the years and have noticed the double standard of parents allowing their son/s to masturbate while prohibiting their daughter/s from doing the same. I am specifically talking about the stage where children are curious about their bodies and begin exploring and attempting to self-soothe by touching, poking, pulling, or rubbing their body parts, including their genitals. These acts are not sexually motivated but are treated as such, especially for young girls.

Of course, engaging in self-play is a personal decision and not something everyone is comfortable with. Many factors contribute to someone’s comfort, including but not limited to religion. Many religions have different views on self-play. In some conservative Christian communities, it may be regarded as a sin because it goes against the idea of sex being solely for procreation within marriage. While in some Muslim communities, self-play may be considered forbidden as it is seen as a form of sexual gratification outside of marriage. I respect individuals’ religious beliefs and practices and want everyone to make informed decisions on what is best for them.

If you’d like to know more about the benefits of self-play here are a few:

  1. Increased self-awareness: Self-play allows individuals to explore their bodies, learn about what they enjoy, and become more comfortable with their sexual desires and preferences. This increased self-awareness can help individuals communicate better with their partners about what they like and don’t like leading to more satisfying sexual experiences.
  2. Reduced Pressure: Sexual experiences sometimes come with performance pressure, but self-play can help individuals release that pressure and focus solely on their pleasure. This can lead to a more relaxed and enjoyable sexual experience.
  3. Improved Technique: Through self-play, individuals can learn different techniques and discover what feels good. They can apply this knowledge to their sexual experiences with others, leading to a more pleasurable experience for both parties.
  4. Enhanced Communication: Exploring oneself through self-play can help individuals become more comfortable with discussing their sexual needs and desires with their partner.

And if you are ready to start your journey, here is a list of toys I’ve been recommended to try during my own journey:

  1. Lelo – Sila Clitoral Stimulator
  2. We-Vibe Tango E Powerful Rechargeable Bullet Vibrator
  3. Fun Factory – Jewels Big Boss Vibrator
  4. Satisfyer – Curvy 1 Plus Bluetooth Air Pulse Clitoral Stimulator

In conclusion, let’s not judge or shame ourselves or others for wanting to explore our bodies and sexuality.

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